Holding On with Both Hands

Let the record show that on Tuesday, January 25, 2012, my 13-year-old daughter left me a love note. YES! (Picture a football player who scores the winning touchdown.) In a world where teenagers are often characterized as rebellious, secretive, aloof and distant toward their parents, my teen showed evidence of actual connection.

Entering the realm of teen parenting feels a little like Mad Max in Thunderdome or Katniss in The Hunger Games. We're locked in this house together until the teen reaches adulthood. Who will come out alive? Will it be a fight to the death?

Relating to my teen reminds me of the day Chris taught Mary Cate (the aforementioned now 13-year-old) how to ride a bike at the tender age of five. She was excited and anxious at the same time. Chris was nervous but confident she could do it. He held onto her bike with both hands until he was sure she was ready. Even after letting go he watched her closely and helped her up when she fell. In no time at all she was riding on her own.

Too often our loving children transition into distant, angry creatures trying to ride off on their own without any sense of balance or direction. From sheer panic we let go too soon, feeling like all we can do now is watch and hope for the best. Parents find themselves asking:
- Where did my child go?
- What happened to our once close relationship?
- What did I do to make them shut me out?

A mixture of hormones, social pressures, and a growing need to be independent all factor into this mess of the teen/parent relationship (not to mention the parent's issues). What can we do? Lock them away until their 18th birthday? Put them up for auction on eBay? Don't think I haven't considered these options.

Perhaps there is a better way, keeping in mind I am just starting this journey. What if we:
* Listen more than talk
* Be willing to discuss awkward stuff (sex, body changes, dating)
* Remember it's not about you
* Have rules (for both of you!) limiting technology time
* Remain calm
* Pray, pray, pray
* Family vacations, family dinners, family devotionals (see a theme??)

This is far from a comprehensive list but it's a start. Let me be clear. When it comes to my own kids, I strike out more than I hit grandslams. I depend on God's grace with complete, face down, total abandon. While I have done my part to screw them up, I am now and will always be, completely committed to our relationship. I am determined not to lose them. Though it's natural for things to change, I am resolved to maintain close ties through these tumultuous days.

The teen years, I'm thinking, are a lot like the bike lesson. Mary Cate is excited and anxious about becoming an adult. Chris and I are nervous yet confident she is on the right track. When she falls we'll be there to help her up. And at just the right time we will let go, but until then we are holding on with both hands.