Parenting Backwards

Raise your hand if you want to raise broken and dysfunctional kids.  No one?   I'm guessing no mom has held their newborn child and dreamed of rearing up their little one with low self-esteem and a plethora of insecurities. Then, why do so many kids struggle as adults with these very issues?  I have a theory.

Many parents aren't parenting backwards.  That's right - Parenting Backwards.  What I mean is parenting with a picture in mind of what you want your child to be like when they're grown. When our kids are young, it's easy to stay focused on the here and now.  Each day has enough packed into it that it's hard to see past the next hour much less years down the road.  Let's face it, from the moment their little red bottoms are slapped at birth, life gets CRAZY!  Families are rushed and pressured to the breaking point.  This often results in a half-hazard approach to parenting. 

Life has a way of carrying us along day to day with no real thought as to where we are going.  I'd like to take a moment to challenge parents to 'parent with the end in mind'. When your kids graduate from high school, what characteristics do you want to see?  Integrity?  Responsibility?  Trust?  Confidence?  These are not natural human qualities.  If you want them to possess these traits as adults, you've got to teach to the heart when they are children. 

Proverbs 4:23 is an all-time favorite, "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  How are you guarding and shaping your child's heart?  We spend fortunes on braces to shape their smile; education to shape their intellect; and private lessons or team sports to shape their talents.  But what about character? 

God instructs parents to be the ones to teach character and shape their child's heart.  "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)  These commands God gives are the heart shapers!  Sow this into your little ones hearts now and reap the benefits when they are adults.

Some day your present will be your past.  When you're in the future, what do you want your past to look like?  (Read that again slowly if you need to.) Let it be more than orthodontist appointments, good report cards, and soccer trophies.  Let love, truth, mercy and grace also be part of those memories and a part of your future.  Parent backwards to get the past you want in the future and enjoy the beautiful benefits of "heart healthy" children!

God & Guitars

If you are really, really fortunate then once in your life you'll have someone cross your path who makes a lasting impact.  Like most parents, I pray for my kids to get good teachers and coaches in school, etc.  We've been blessed with some precious teachers over the years but tonight was a once in a lifetime experience.

Our son Jack has been taking guitar lessons for three years.  We've been with his current teacher, JRod, for about a year.  Jack has been working towards youth worship band auditions at church.  JRod is the former youth worship band pastor so he's got great insight.  Not only is he an extraordinary musician, he understands the heart of worship.  God has gifted him with a passion and ability to lead the next generation in worship and musical excellence.  That's a little bit about him, now let me tell you about Jack.

He made the worship band and absolutely loves it.  It's his thing and we're so excited he's found 'his thing'.  Since making the band Jack has been eyeing new electric guitars.  The one he has is a starter.  He's been earning money mowing lawns, pulling weeds, etc. for our neighbors.  He's saved up enough to pay for half of a pretty nice instrument.  JRod builds guitars and sells them to professional musicians.  There is one guitar in particular that Jack has admired in JRod's studio. It is a replica of his instructors vintage Stratocaster...the kind of guitar that even makes this novice's jaw drop. 

Jack has really no hope of getting this superior piece of craftsmanship because it's way out of his price range.  So he just admires it from afar.  To put it into my terms...this is a Louis Vuitton purse to one you buy off the rack at Target.  There's nothing wrong with the Target variety, but oh to have Louis.  But I digress....

A few months back Jack decided just for fun to make an imitation electric guitar (actual size) for his teacher.  He made it from sheet metal with a plywood base for stability.  He measured it out.  He used some sort of jig-saw (did you know they make different kinds of saws???) and metal cutters to shape the instrument.  Then he collected various parts from the hardware store and our garage to create the pegs, control knobs and pick-ups found on electric guitars. It was really quite impressive. 

All this time that Jack's been working hard to earn money and working hard on this gift, Chris has been talking with JRod about what kind of guitar Jack should get.  Chris even asked about this custom guitar in his shop but, not surprisingly, it was four times Jack's budget.  However, after thinking on it and praying about it, the teacher texted Chris and said he felt God wanted him to give this guitar to Jack at the price Jack could afford.  What?! 

Chris and I were completely overwhelmed.  Why would he do this?  This custom guitar had cost the teacher hours upon hours of time not to mention financial expense and emotional investment.  How could he part with it for such a low price?  This is the answer he gave. "I've had several people express interest in buying this guitar but I haven't been ready to give it up.  I've seen Jack's heart and I think he deserves this guitar.  I know he will invest himself in it for God's glory.  Jack's the man I'm supposed to give this to." 

So Chris came up with a plan to surprise Jack.  Jack's work of art was ready to be presented to JRod.  We drove over last night to give it to him.  JRod didn't know about Jack's gift...and Jack didn't know about the surprise that awaited him.  You should have seen JRod's reaction upon receiving this imitation guitar.  He treated it like priceless art.  He spent time looking at how Jack made it, the shape, the strings, etc.  His beautiful wife was there and she expressed great appreciation for the time it must have taken Jack to make it.  They talked about where they would hang it in the teacher's studio.  You could say their reaction was worth more than the guitar Jack had built but they saw it for what it was - an expression of thanks for an admired mentor.

After this JRod said, "Hey Jack, did I tell you I sold my Sunburst?  Yeah, I sold it to a kid I teach.  He loves the guitar and I decided I would only part with it if I knew it were going to someone who would use it for God's glory.  That's why the kid I sold it to...is you."  (I'm crying again now just thinking about it.)

Are you trying to guess Jack's reaction?  Did he jump up and down?  Did he say, "Get out of here!"  Did he burst into tears?  How do you respond to such a great gift?  Jack had spent a few hours working on an imitation.  It was cool but it wasn't the real thing.  The teacher had spent countless hours, sweat, energy, and love on this authentic guitar.  Jack was speechless.  Tears welled in his eyes.  He was amazed.  The once admired piece of work in the master's studio now belonged to him.  He didn't have to look at it hanging on a wall and wonder what it would feel like to play.  He held it.  He played it.  Now it would hang on his own wall and he could play it any time he wanted.

There are so many beautiful illustrations in this story but it boils down to this.  When we bring our offering of worship and admiration (the imitation guitar) to the Master, He loves it.  He knows our limitations and weaknesses but he knows our heart too.  He knows our motive is love and admiration. 

What happens when we give all we have to God?  He meets us right there with His overwhelming greatness.  He pours out healing and blessing and meets the deepest need of our heart. God's gift of Himself is the real deal.  He's poured His energy, sweat, and blood out for us.  We don't have to admire this gift from afar. Draw near to the Master today and experience Him for all He's worth.

The Challenge of a Chocolate Pie

Last week I stood before a large, intimidating mountain and dared to climb.  Here's my story.  Before I married my wonderful husband, my last name was Smith.  Being raised a Smith means certain things.  Smith's love Jesus.  Smith's support the Dallas Cowboys.  We laugh a lot and food is at the center of it all.  Our family gatherings revolve around a menu of traditional Smith favorites.  Who is cooking what, when will we eat it and how soon can we plan the next meal are central questions to be addressed.

Among our food traditions and addictions, there is one special dish that rises to the top.  My mother's chocolate pie.  Everyone who knows my mother knows she is a great cook.  People love my mama's cooking.  The woman can prepare anything she sets her whisk to.  In our family there are several recipes we always want mom to fix but none can compare to...The Chocolate Pie.

That's why no one else in our family ever dares to make it.  Until one day last week I decided to climb that mountain. We had special guests staying at our house.  As an expression of my love for these friends, I wanted to make a special dessert.  It doesn't get any more special than The Chocolate Pie.  I'd had my mom's recipe for years but never dared to actually attempt it.  How could it possibly compare?! No way!!  My mom laughs at my trepidation, but my apprehension was justified.  I was scared to follow in my mom's footsteps.  Has anyone ever heard of Picasso, Jr. the great painter or Einstein the second, the great thinker?  I didn't think so.

In the Old Testament, a guy named Joshua had his own mountain to climb.  He'd been trained up under Moses to succeed him but when the time came...well, holy cow, how do you follow freaking Moses?!  In Joshua 1:1-9 God boosts Joshua's confidence with these words, "(v.3) I will give you every place where you set your foot..(v.5) No one will be able to stand up against you; I will never leave you nor forsake you...(v.6) Be strong and courageous...(v.7) Be strong and very courageous...(v.8) Be careful to obey everything I tell you...(v.9) Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Does God know how to give a pep talk or what?! Yes, Joshua had big shoes to fill.  Who could blame him for feeling a little intimidated?  God said Joshua could do it.  Joshua believed God.  Joshua obeyed God.  Joshua saw God come through. 

Well, it doesn't quite compare to entering the Promised Land, but I made that pie.  After several calls to my mom for support it was finished.  By listening to her encouragement and following her recipe the pie turned out great. 

What mountain stands in front of you?  What is God asking you to do that scares you?  If God says you can do it, then you can!  Believe Him.  Obey Him.  See God come through then we can celebrate.  I'll bring pie!

Who, Me?

Last week, on a hot and humid day, I met some girlfriends for coffee - just the beverage everyone wants to drink on a hot and humid day, right?  We South Texans may be hot and sweaty but by golly, we love our specialty coffees just like those folks in the chilly Northwest.

But, I digress.  As I was saying, I met some quality girlfriends for some quality chat time.  I had just received my favorite sugar and espresso infused beverage when I promptly spilled the blasted thing.  Coffee went everywhere: the table, the chair, the floor, my shirt and even my shoes (the real trauma).  Now, spilling any coffee is bad enough but, this was 'designer' coffee (meaning I purchased it at a well-known coffee establishment at a designer price).  Here I had spilled designer coffee on my designer shoes - POO!  Not the way to start girl-time. 

So, what do you think I did next? Everyone could see that I'd spilled it.  It would be ridiculous to deny it.  I could feel the burn through my clothes.  The sweet scent of salted caramel drifted in the air as a sad reminder of what could have been. What if I decided to ignore it?  What if, when my friends were staring at the mess in front of them, I just said, "What are you staring at?  I didn't spill any coffee.  Who, me?"  They'd think all those latte's had burned my brain cells.   

I'm not so sure we don't act just like this when we brush over our disobedience and rebellion against God.  The effects of our disobedience, like a spilled drink, can be seen and felt - broken relationship with God, ineffective ministry, broken communication and relationship with our spouse or children.  We've made a mess but instead of owning it and asking God for help in cleaning it up, our pride steps in and we quickly put up a wall of denial.  "Who, me?"

King David was a rock star.  He had it all going on until he stole something that didn't belong to him. (See 2 Samuel 11.)  Rather than owning up to it he kept sinning to cover his tracks.  He took that spilled coffee and spread it around, but good.  His mess affected a lot of people and left a trail of carnage in it's wake.  Instead of being the spiritual leader for his people, he became an ineffective leader.  Eventually, a friend helped him see what he was doing and when David finally acknowledged his sin he was broken of his pride.  This was a turning point for David.  He got free of his sin by acknowledging it.

Look at David's prayer in Psalm 51 - 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you.

You want to be a great wife and mom?  Acknowledge your sin.  Want to be a faithful friend or have an effective ministry?  Acknowledge your sin.  It's easy to point to someone else's mess but what about yours?  God wants to do radically, life-giving things in our families and in our country but we are a prideful people (I'm afraid I'm first in that line).  Let us own up to our mess and run back into the arms of a loving and forgiving God. 

With the help of my friends, I cleaned up the coffee mess. 
With the help of some strong chemicals I cleaned up the stains on my shirt and shoes. 
With the help of the Holy Spirit, I am convicted of my sin. 
By the love and sacrifice of Jesus, I am led to repentance and forgiveness. 

Friends, we don't have to live with the stain of sin.  We don't have to deny it's existence.  It is by his kindness that we are led to repentance and back into sweet fellowship with our loving Father. 

100 Ways to Make Your Marriage Rock

I had to repost this article.  It's got such great wisdom for keeping your marriage thriving. These are for the husbands and the wives, both.  Pick just a couple and do them this week!

1. Write him letters
2. Go on regular date nights
3. Write his name on lipstick on the bathroom mirror
4. Revitalize the romance with intimate dates
5. Pray together
6. Hide notes in secret places
7. Go to bed at the same time
8. Listen to music together-share earbuds
9. Send him on a scavenger hunt in the house
10. Buy him gifts he will love
11. Hide a treat in his glovebox or desk at work
12. Read the Bible together
13. Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse
14. Praise your spouse to other people
15. Let them overhear you
16. Read a marriage devotional
17. Porn-proof your home
18. Be best friends
19. Sleep in his t-shirts
20. Look to him to make the big decisions (see comment section for my opinion on #20, #21)
21. Let her make the small ones
22. Don’t nag him
23. Put down the seat, pick up your socks for her
24. Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories
25. Renew them publicly with cake and bubbly
26. Fight naked
27. Tell him you like him
28. Receive his compliments
29. Pick your battles
30. Show her you love her and tell him you respect him
31. Go away together at least once a year
32. Frame your wedding vows
33. Her: Read For Women Only
34. Hang pictures of the two of you around your house
35. Kiss in front of your kids
36. Make his favorite dessert
37. Have pictures of just the two of you made
38. Make sex a priority
39. Spend time apart occasionally
40. Learn to enjoy something he loves
41. Surprise each other
42. Meet him at the door
43. Dreamstorm
44. Text each other from across the room
45. Be accountable to each other
46. Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week
47. Call him right now and tell him you appreciate him
48. Be affectionate
49. Him: Read For Men Only
50. Leave work and come home early
51. Wash, vacuum her car. Keep it full of gas.
52. Give each other romantic coupons
53. Engage every day in meaningful conversation
54. Compliment each other
55. Touch your spouse several times throughout the day
56. Take one day a month to make your spouse your total focus
57. Let each other sleep in
58. Be spontaneous!
59. Argue fair: avoid these words “you always” and “you never”
60. Kiss every day
61. Find tangible ways to serve your mate without complaining
62. Forgive quickly
63. Be honest.
64. But not hurtful
65. Get on the same page: plan your budget together
66. Look your best as often as you can
67. Guard your marriage
68. Get out of debt (and stay out)
69. Laugh together
70. Have a date night in
71. When your together-BE TOGETHER (take a break from phones, technology, etc)
72. Talk about your favorite memories together
73. Tell him he’s sexy just because
74. Tell her she’s pretty, especially when she’s not feeling it
75. Make him breakfast in bed
76. Do her chores for her
77. Get a couple’s massage or host your own privately
78. Read a book out loud together
79. Dance together-soft music (alone) or rocking music with the kids
80. Bring her/him a favorite drink during the middle of the day
81. Exercise together-hikes, bike riding, etc
82. Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment
83. Tell him a secret he doesn’t know about you
84. Thank your spouse just because, often
85. Sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant
86. Lay in bed together and stare into each other eyes, without talking
87. Learn something new together-take an art class, cooking lessons, etc
88. Leave a sweet comment on the Facebook wall
89. Teach your kids about marriage
90. Stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and listen to their answer
91. Create art together
92. Support each other’s goals
93. Know when to talk and when to hush
94. Consider counseling (even if there’s not conflict)
95. Doodle his name
96. Bring her flowers (even when she says they are too expensive)
97. Wear something he loves
98. Share furniture-sit in his lap
99. Fight for your marriage
100. Remember your spouse rocks-even when they don’t

Taken from www.wearethatfamily.com

Why Church is Important for Teens

The most recent publication of Pine Cove Camp's 'Transformed' magazine shares the story of a pastor's teenage daughter who had completely rebelled against all her parents had taught her.  She struggled with depression, anger and low self-esteem.  When her family came to Family Camp, the daughter experienced authentic love and acceptance from the youth counselors.  The counselors were not teaching anything different from what the girl had been taught her whole life but somehow she finally heard the truth of God's love for the first time.  She experienced tremendous healing and freedom through this youth outreach.

Teenagers experience constant attack on their self-esteem.  They are searching for significance, purpose and truth.  While mom and dad may be sharing these things with their kids, as children get older they want to hear it from another source.  A great youth ministry is just what teens need.

The purpose of youth ministry is to share God's love and truths in a relational manner.  Most kids are not into religious exercises.  They want relationship.  God is a God of relationship.  Find a youth ministry that relates to kids.  Great options are available.  Many churches use small groups with a leader that will take a genuine interest in your child.

Here's what a good youth ministry will do for your teen:

• Make them feel accepted and loved.
• Give them a place where they can be themselves.
• Meet new friends who go to their school.
• Encourages accountability among peers.
• Be influenced by positive leaders.
• Hear about God's love and purpose for their lives.
• Learn to serve others and become leaders in their community.

Don't underestimate the importance of youth ministry in your child's life.  This is huge.  I was blessed to be part of a thriving youth group growing up.  These dear friends loved me and challenged me to make good choices.  I’m still close with these friends many years later.  Beg, threaten or bribe but do what it takes to get your teen involved in youth group.  Send her to youth camp and summer mission trips.  It’s life changing! 

For more see my book, 'Intentional Parenting: Tween Edition'. www.lisaarchinal.com

Parenting Resources

Hello Faithful Followers and First Timers!
While speaking at the Pine Cove Mother/Tween Daughter Retreat a couple of weeks ago, I had several moms ask if I would post my resources for my talks, books, etc. on my blog.  These are books or websites I have read/reviewed.  They have been helpful enough that I am mentioning them here.  Wish I got a percentage of the royalties but no such luck! ha ha.  Please feel free to post your own resources too!  I'm always interested in helpful advice for raising great kids.  Blessings!

Suggested Reading for parents of boys:

That’s My Son by Rick Johnson

Your Boy by Vicki Courtney

Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis

Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey

 

 

 

Suggested Reading for parents of girls:

 

Mom’s Everything Book for Daughters by Becky Freeman

Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge

Lies Young Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh

5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney

Passport2Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (For boys and girls)

Mom’s Ultimate Guide to the Tween Girl World by Nancy Rue

8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters by Dannah Gresh

familylife.com

family.org

 store.lifejournal.cc/childrenslifejournal.aspx