Parenting Backwards

Raise your hand if you want to raise broken and dysfunctional kids.  No one?   I'm guessing no mom has held their newborn child and dreamed of rearing up their little one with low self-esteem and a plethora of insecurities. Then, why do so many kids struggle as adults with these very issues?  I have a theory.

Many parents aren't parenting backwards.  That's right - Parenting Backwards.  What I mean is parenting with a picture in mind of what you want your child to be like when they're grown. When our kids are young, it's easy to stay focused on the here and now.  Each day has enough packed into it that it's hard to see past the next hour much less years down the road.  Let's face it, from the moment their little red bottoms are slapped at birth, life gets CRAZY!  Families are rushed and pressured to the breaking point.  This often results in a half-hazard approach to parenting. 

Life has a way of carrying us along day to day with no real thought as to where we are going.  I'd like to take a moment to challenge parents to 'parent with the end in mind'. When your kids graduate from high school, what characteristics do you want to see?  Integrity?  Responsibility?  Trust?  Confidence?  These are not natural human qualities.  If you want them to possess these traits as adults, you've got to teach to the heart when they are children. 

Proverbs 4:23 is an all-time favorite, "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  How are you guarding and shaping your child's heart?  We spend fortunes on braces to shape their smile; education to shape their intellect; and private lessons or team sports to shape their talents.  But what about character? 

God instructs parents to be the ones to teach character and shape their child's heart.  "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)  These commands God gives are the heart shapers!  Sow this into your little ones hearts now and reap the benefits when they are adults.

Some day your present will be your past.  When you're in the future, what do you want your past to look like?  (Read that again slowly if you need to.) Let it be more than orthodontist appointments, good report cards, and soccer trophies.  Let love, truth, mercy and grace also be part of those memories and a part of your future.  Parent backwards to get the past you want in the future and enjoy the beautiful benefits of "heart healthy" children!

Parenting Resources

Hello Faithful Followers and First Timers!
While speaking at the Pine Cove Mother/Tween Daughter Retreat a couple of weeks ago, I had several moms ask if I would post my resources for my talks, books, etc. on my blog.  These are books or websites I have read/reviewed.  They have been helpful enough that I am mentioning them here.  Wish I got a percentage of the royalties but no such luck! ha ha.  Please feel free to post your own resources too!  I'm always interested in helpful advice for raising great kids.  Blessings!

Suggested Reading for parents of boys:

That’s My Son by Rick Johnson

Your Boy by Vicki Courtney

Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis

Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey

 

 

 

Suggested Reading for parents of girls:

 

Mom’s Everything Book for Daughters by Becky Freeman

Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge

Lies Young Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh

5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney

Passport2Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (For boys and girls)

Mom’s Ultimate Guide to the Tween Girl World by Nancy Rue

8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters by Dannah Gresh

familylife.com

family.org

 store.lifejournal.cc/childrenslifejournal.aspx 

 

 

Do Not Poke the Bear!

Encountered a parenting dilemma this week. Shocker, right? Every week seems to bring a new challenge to me in regard to raising my kids. Here's the challenge of the week. My precious boy, Jack, has been experiencing various issues at school making this year a total drag. A good part of it is by his own hand but there is also a good part of it that is out of his control.

As a parent who wants to raise my children to be responsible adults, I'm all about teaching kids to take ownership of their actions. In other words, "Get your act together, son!" I would say I'm a fairly strict disciplinarian. Our children know what we expect of them. This is good.

On the other hand, this week's events have revealed to us some of the circumstances that are not in Jack's control. In some ways, we have seen that Jack has been dealt a bad hand. He's been treated unfairly, in our opinion, and is having to bear the consequences for someone else's actions. Herein lies my dilemma.

There's the part of me that believes in tough love, then there is the part of me that is 'Mother Bear'. Any of you parents out there relate?

Mother Bear hibernates peacefully deep inside my heart until she is provoked. Then there's trouble. Do not poke the Bear! Mother Bear is the part of me that wants to reach across the table to the battle-ax who's been ugly to my baby boy and show her what I think of her! Mother Bear's instinct is to rise up and strike down anyone who dare threaten my sweet, innocent child. Mother Bear wants to wrap the boy in blankets, snuggle him tightly and protect him from a world that is cruel and uncaring. Mother Bear is thirsty for justice, waging a campaign against all those who would cause a moments pain to my little angel.

Lord, help the one who pokes Mother Bear. So, the dilemma is, who will win out in this mommy identity crisis? The level-headed parent who believes in the importance of self-discipline, responsibility, and consequences? Or will it be Mother Bear who sweeps in to save the day leaving a wake of carnage in her path? (Chris says I have a flair for the dramatic but I just don't see it. :-))

In my impassioned state I phoned a friend who helped me find some balance to these contrasting emotions. Her advice was simple, yet powerful. "Say it in love." That was it. That was the truth I needed to tame Mother Bear and empower my more rational side. Bottom line is this, we need to hold our children accountable for their actions. We also need to be their voice when they have none. We are our child's advocate.

When speaking up on behalf of our children we can do more harm than good if our emotions are out of control. I often say, "Where the heart leads, the tongue will follow." The Lord used this friend to help me get my emotions in check and soothe that Mother Bear within. With God's help, whether I'm training my child or tangling a bully, I'll say whatever needs to be said - "in love."

Holding On with Both Hands

Let the record show that on Tuesday, January 25, 2012, my 13-year-old daughter left me a love note. YES! (Picture a football player who scores the winning touchdown.) In a world where teenagers are often characterized as rebellious, secretive, aloof and distant toward their parents, my teen showed evidence of actual connection.

Entering the realm of teen parenting feels a little like Mad Max in Thunderdome or Katniss in The Hunger Games. We're locked in this house together until the teen reaches adulthood. Who will come out alive? Will it be a fight to the death?

Relating to my teen reminds me of the day Chris taught Mary Cate (the aforementioned now 13-year-old) how to ride a bike at the tender age of five. She was excited and anxious at the same time. Chris was nervous but confident she could do it. He held onto her bike with both hands until he was sure she was ready. Even after letting go he watched her closely and helped her up when she fell. In no time at all she was riding on her own.

Too often our loving children transition into distant, angry creatures trying to ride off on their own without any sense of balance or direction. From sheer panic we let go too soon, feeling like all we can do now is watch and hope for the best. Parents find themselves asking:
- Where did my child go?
- What happened to our once close relationship?
- What did I do to make them shut me out?

A mixture of hormones, social pressures, and a growing need to be independent all factor into this mess of the teen/parent relationship (not to mention the parent's issues). What can we do? Lock them away until their 18th birthday? Put them up for auction on eBay? Don't think I haven't considered these options.

Perhaps there is a better way, keeping in mind I am just starting this journey. What if we:
* Listen more than talk
* Be willing to discuss awkward stuff (sex, body changes, dating)
* Remember it's not about you
* Have rules (for both of you!) limiting technology time
* Remain calm
* Pray, pray, pray
* Family vacations, family dinners, family devotionals (see a theme??)

This is far from a comprehensive list but it's a start. Let me be clear. When it comes to my own kids, I strike out more than I hit grandslams. I depend on God's grace with complete, face down, total abandon. While I have done my part to screw them up, I am now and will always be, completely committed to our relationship. I am determined not to lose them. Though it's natural for things to change, I am resolved to maintain close ties through these tumultuous days.

The teen years, I'm thinking, are a lot like the bike lesson. Mary Cate is excited and anxious about becoming an adult. Chris and I are nervous yet confident she is on the right track. When she falls we'll be there to help her up. And at just the right time we will let go, but until then we are holding on with both hands.

There is a dirty word in our house. It starts with 'M' and ends with 'h'. It's the word 'Math'. My stomach ties up in knots at the mere mention of this word. Sadly, with two parents who talk for a living (Chris in sales, me in Bible teaching) our three children never had a chance to get the math gene. I visualize my kid's teachers shaking their heads and mumbling to themselves as they grade our homework, "Those poor kids."

Living in Katy means we are surrounded by over-achieving parents raising over-achieving children. Do you live in a community like this? Failure to achieve academic excellence and supreme sporting abilities is not an option. We hire tutors, coaches and mentors to sharpen our kids and give them the competitive edge.

This is good, right? I wonder, if in all our training and perfecting of kids, we're not somehow missing the point.

Proverbs 4:7 hits me right in the gut, "Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding." Did you see it? Read it again.

Some people think having your kid in the GT program is supreme. Some would argue select sports is supreme. Some think Chick-fil-a sandwiches are supreme. (Oops. Can you tell I'm hungry?) God says WISDOM is supreme. Where do you get a tutor for that?

Look in the mirror, parents. We are to be teaching our children how to gain wisdom. Wisdom comes from God. A life marked by peace, joy, and Jesus is evidence of wisdom.

Don't get me wrong, I want my kids to do their best academically, athletically, socially, (and all the other "ly's" out there). But more than anything, I want my children to grow in the wisdom and knowledge of God. I pray my focus would start here. To grow in God's purpose and become all that God created them to be, we, as parents must demonstrate a life of wisdom.

Fortunately, for us God loves to grant wisdom. James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." Do you need wisdom for living? Do you need wisdom for parenting your precious children? Ask God. Seek it with all that you have. Whatever it costs you, pursue wisdom and understanding.

What do you say, let's be known as the community that raises wise young people. Doesn't that sound good? Now, somebody bring me a Chick-fil-a sandwich...and a calculator.

What can you do with duct tape?

If memory serves, it seems that around the time I discovered boys I also learned about duct tape. Doesn't it just seem like men and duct tape go together? Some of our dearest friends have a 14-year-old son who just loves duct tape. He uses it on just about everything. Got a tent with a hole in it? Use duct tape. Electrical cord got a short? Duct tape. Looking for a new baseball cap? Make one out of duct tape! (He seriously did this.) As a matter of fact, for his birthday, this young man asked for one thing....new rolls of duct tape.

Did you know you can buy it in a wide assortment of colors and patterns? Yes, duct tape is magical. Maybe duct tape is the 8th wonder of the world. I'm led to believe that if a nuclear bomb hit and the world as we know it ceased to exist, cockroaches and duct tape would still survive!

There are times in my life when I could really use some emotional duct tape. When I feel like I'm unraveling, somebody needs to patch me up with fluorescent pink duct tape (one of the many colors for sale at Ace Hardware).

Back-to-school season is one of those times. Our family enjoys awesome summers. We load up on sunshine and family time. Then, just when we've finally shaken off that last shred of tension from the previous school year - BAM! - it's time to start all over again. The older my kids get the more I dread school starting. It's like I can see the hands on the clock moving at super speed, threatening to make my kids grow up before I am ready.

This is when God reminds me that He's my emotional duct tape. Look at this - "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (Colossians 1:17) YES! God is my duct tape! Jesus holds me together when I see my kids growing up too soon. He holds me together when they start wanting to spend more time with friends and less time with mom. He holds me together when my son no longer wants me to walk him to class on the first day of school.

Tonight, Jack asked me to scratch his back as he settled into bed. The lights were off and you could hear the comforting rumble of distant thunder. As I sat on the edge of his bed rubbing his back, he began to share about his day.

This may sound crazy, but I just sat there listening and thought about the duct tape. I thought about how, yes, someday he'll be too old to ask me to rub his back to help him sleep. He'll be too big to want to have me near when he's drifting off. He won't always want to share about his day, perhaps. And as my heart begins to break at the thought of my boy growing up too soon, Jesus is also there.

He's speaking His promises to me. He's reminding me of His faithfulness to my children as they grow up in Him. He holds all my precious memories of the past and helps me focus on all of the memories yet to be made. Will it break my heart when my boy is no longer a boy? I imagine in some ways it will.

But Jesus is already there in that moment holding my heart together...just like duct tape.

The Highly Valuable but Extremely Underappreciated Mommy Play Date!

Before I became a mother, I knew little about children. Some might argue that after having three of my own, I still don’t know much about children! Nevertheless, 'pre-kiddos' I was footloose and fancy free. As a Development Director, I loved my job. I spent days on the phone with donors, lunching with friends, and joking around with co-workers. It's not that I didn't adore children, it's just that they never really entered my mind...until I had one...or two...or three.

Suddenly, my entire universe was altered! Like an astronaut landing on Mars, everything was strange and curiously exciting. Embarking on my new career, I embraced parenting as my new mission in life. I devoured books about babies and pondered articles on pre-schoolers. I was a mommy-machine!

Little did I realize, while I was busy getting kids on a schedule, covering electrical outlets and teaching my baby sign-language, I was draining myself of that ever-important daily intake of adult social interaction. That's right, my sudden fabulosity of "mommy-ness" was robbing me of my "me-ness".

A subtle depression began to set in. The endless days without showering and constant smell of spit-up were beginning to take their toll. What was wrong with me? I loved my kids. Mothering was to me, the highest calling in life. So what was the problem?

Finally, I realized I was suffering from baby-overdose, a common disease among young mothers. The cure? A healthy infusion of girl time was just what the doctor ordered. I sent up the bat signal and rallied the girlfriends for a night out. Come to find out, many of them were experiencing the same symptoms. We decided to meet regularly - sans kids - to laugh, compare stories and give ourselves time to remember who we were without diaper bags. It was awesome.

Those early years of parenting are stressful, crazy and fun. I can't imagine going through it without my friends. They were my support group during the terrible twos; my sanity when I was outnumbered by babies; and perhaps, most importantly, my self-assurance on those really hard days when I felt I’d failed.

Moms, don't underestimate the power of the Mommy Play Date. God’s Word says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their investment. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

We aren't meant to travel this road alone. There's a mom out there who needs you as much as you need her. When you feel down and need some encouragement, send up a flare and schedule some time just for you. It will make you a better you as well as a better mom!

The Un-Snow Day

Living in Houston means there are two things you can always count on, unreasonably long summers and constant humidity. For some of us who have lived in Houston long enough, we have developed thin skin which means, while we get sick of the heat lasting through October, we also dread temperatures below about 60 degrees. That is, unless there is snow involved.

This week there was much hype about the possibility of snow. As the weathermen upped the chance of snow each day, my children's hopes and dreams of white fluff inflated like a large balloon. Soon, the surety of snowfall was all anyone could talk about. The excitement was building as we all anticipated the arrival of a winter wonderland. Dads covered pipes and plants. Moms cleaned out the grocery stores and turned on crock pots. School districts cancelled classes. Then we waited. And waited. And waited.

If your house was like mine, you had children waking at all hours of the night (maybe I woke up a time or two also) to peek out the window as if it were Christmas Eve. But then, when morning came there was no snow. That inflated balloon of white winter hope popped right in our faces. We turned on the TV for some type of reassurance from the weathermen. Maybe the snow was just running late. Come on, weatherman, what happened to your forecast? You promised us snow!

The snow never came. The covered pipes and plants were safe, the food in the crock pot was still delicious and we did get out of school, but we would have traded all of that for the fulfillment of the promised snowfall. Our heads hung low, we tried to rally but let's be honest, our hearts were broken just like the weatherman's promise.

While it was easy for me to blame the weatherman, in reality there's only so much a weatherman can do. Weathermen read radars not crystal balls. They can only give their best guess at a forecast. Weather changes constantly. You can't really know for sure what the weather will be until it happens.

Fortunately, not everything works like that. There are precious few things that are certain. My favorite bankable promise is the assurance of Christ's return. Jesus warns us to 'stay awake' spiritually in anticipation of His coming. Unfortunately, we live in a very busy culture with lots of distractions. It's easy to forget all about eternity. I barely have time to think about what I should fix for dinner tonight, much less consider the life hereafter.

But consider these words of Jesus in Matthew 24, “Then will appear the sign of the Son of Man in heaven. And then all the peoples of the earth will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other."

It's amazing how often I miss this 'forecast' in my daily life. I plan and prepare like crazy for the slightest chance of snow. I want to be sure my family is ready. The snow may or may not come but Jesus is a sure thing. He IS coming back. Am I preparing my family? Am I living in anticipation of His return? I want us to be found ready.

Our un-snow day turned out fine. We were prepared for the winter blast of 2011. Maybe it will snow next year, maybe not. Maybe Jesus will come back and we won't have to worry about it. Weathermen report on shifting changes in the atmosphere. Jesus reported on the firm plans of His Father. Are you ready?

Fine China or Paper Plate?

I don't know if you are like us, but around our house we use paper plates for just about every meal. Dinner time I usually bring out the "everyday china" but it's very rare for me to go to the trouble of pulling out the "good stuff".

In 2009 I had the privilege of speaking at a Pine Cove Mother/Daughter Conference. The theme scripture for the weekend was 2 Timothy 2:20-21, "Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and some to honor and some to dishonor. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from these things (sin), he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every good work."

I love these verses because they compare us to items of gold and silver (like fine china); they tell us we were made for a special purpose; and in order to be used for that purpose we must be pure.

I have 'vessels' in my house of fine china, handed down to me from my grandmother. I have other 'vessels' in my house of generic brand paper plates. Can you imagine me serving my 10-year-old son and his friends snacks on my grandmother's fine china? No way! I keep the china in a safe place so it cannot get broken. That doesn't mean I can't use it often. It just means I use it for specific and special purposes.

Sometimes in life we make choices to do things or say things that are not part of God's special purpose for us. Kind of like using fine china to serve chile cheese dogs to a pack of boys. The words we say, the attitude in our heart, and our actions determine what type of vessel we are...fine china or a cheap paper plate.

God didn't create me in His image to be harsh or judgemental any more than a toilet brush was made to double as a toothbrush. Nevertheless, sometimes I find myself being 'used' for something I know God never intended. Do you know what I mean? Can you relate? How I long to get rid of the things in my life that would make it difficult for God to fulfill his special purpose for me.

What are some noble purposes God might have for you? Are you in a place where God can use you for His glory? If you've been living more like the paper plate, ask God to cleanse you and restore you to the fine china vessel He created you to be and get on with the noble plans He has in store.

The Heart of the Matter

Last night our family had the privilege of participating in a unique worship experience at our church. It was an intimate worship service directed solely at God, and led by children. My son, Jack, served as a prayer leader. My eldest daughter, Mary Catherine, served as a worship leader. This experience was absolutely remarkable to me as I got to witness, first hand, my children being led by the Holy Spirit and serving the Lord with such purity of heart.

Children leading adults in worship to God! What a concept! Oddly, as I was worshipping and observing all of this I suddenly heard the words of Don Henley in my head, "I been tryin' to get down, to the heart of the matter." I guess God can speak through Don Henley as well as He can through anyone else. It was as though the Lord was reminding me that I need to be concerned with training my children's hearts and not just their behavior. When their hearts are in tune with God, it's such a beautiful thing!

1 Samuel 16:7, "For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." Much of the time, I have to admit, I am more concerned with the outward appearance of my children. Seems I frequently remind them to watch their words, mind their manners, straighten up and fly right. What I really mean is, 'Whatever you do don't embarrass me'! (ha!) However, God makes it clear in His Word that it's the heart condition that matters most to Him not the outward appearance.

What matters most, what really counts, is reaching the heart of our children and not just controlling behavior. Behavior is affected by what's in the heart. This is true in my own life. When my heart is connected to God in relationship with Him, it directly affects my decisions and my behavior.

Mark 7:21 states: " . . . from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly." Yikes, do you see that all of these aweful things begin in a persons heart before they make their way to the outward behavior?

What our children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts. Again, Luke 6:45 corroborates this point: "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

Outward behavior is the itch we're constantly wanting to scratch but we can't let it sidetrack us and stop there. When children argue over who sits where in the car, it's not about seating. It's about selfishness and pride. Our natural state is prideful and self-centered.

As family author, Ted Tripp says, "You must learn to work from the behavior you see back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children. In short, you must learn to engage them, not just reprove them. Help them to see the ways that they are trying to quench their souls' thirst with that which cannot satisfy. You must help your kids gain a clear focus on the cross of Christ."

This topic may seem a little vague but I hope not. This is where we really get down to building up children in the true image of Christ! Of those who were seemingly "good" on the outside, Jesus saw right through, "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Moms, let us raise a generation of children who truly honor God with their hearts as well as their lips!

The Mother's Union

Most people would agree that being a mother is the hardest job. If this is so, then shouldn't we form a union of some sort? Miners, airline pilots, and automobile workers have unions. Why don't we? We've got the toughest jobs around. We're on call 24/7. We could demand days off or at least get some special benefits, like monthly pedicures.

The problem is, what would we do if our demands were not met? I guess we could go on strike but the fallout would be catastrophic. Let's face it, the world can't function without mom.

The Bible puts a lot of importance on the role of mothers, particularly mothers raising sons. There are numerous examples in scripture of mothers inspiring their sons to follow after God. These men went on to do amazing feats that had eternal impact.

Yes, raising boys is tough. It's not for the faint of heart. To make great men takes boldness and courage. We live in a world where men are in crisis. They are abandoning their commitments to family and marriage. Men are abdicating their roles as leaders in their communities and even their country.

Proverbs 22:6 speaks to us, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." In this verse, "train up" is translated as "to dedicate". Sons need their moms to be dedicated to this most important of jobs. The world works hard to distract us from our primary calling. The world lures us into high levels of busyness and stress that would call us away from our dedication to our sons.

Of course, all of us would say we are dedicated. We feed their bellies. We clothe their backs. We drive them all over kingdom come to their various activities. Is this what Proverbs is talking about? I don't think so. The kind of dedication God calls us to goes far deeper than physical provisions.

The moment you deliver that sweet baby boy, you receive a charge from the Lord to raise that son according to God's ways. There is a crisis in America today because parents have misplaced their dedication. Too many are dedicated to raising sons in the ways of money, power, and self. What about a dedication to raising sons for true greatness? Servant leadership? What about responsibility, integrity, courage? This takes more dedication than the world would have you take on.

I love this quote from Rick Johnson, author of That's My Son, 'The power of a mother's influence is like a steady river carving canyons through the landscape of history. The legacy you leave as the teacher and nurturer of the next generation of men is valuable beyond description.'

Yes, our job is the toughest and the most meaningful. We tuck in the future of the world every night. The question I ask you is: are you ready to accept your divine calling and join a union of mothers dedicated to raising a great generation of strong men? There is a profound call on your life if you are raising a son. Let's form a union of mothers who are dedicated to raising our sons in the image of God and when they are grown they will not depart from it.

Then we can go get that pedicure!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You know the song but is it a reality in your house?? Moms, we gotta teach our boys (and girls) "a little respect when they get home"! Boys need desperately to be taught to respect women - of all ages. This can be hard to do in a society where all too often women do not respect themselves and their dress code (or lack thereof) reflects that. You get my drift?

Boys need to open doors, carry in the groceries, take out the trash and watch their language. This is not because women are the 'weaker' sex but rather because women, according to GOD, deserve to be honored and cherished. Moms, even your own sons need to honor and cherish you. If they do not honor and cherish their own mothers how can we expect them to honor and cherish their teachers, professors, employers and most importantly, their wives and daughters?

Chris has done a great job of teaching our son, Jack, to honor women. Whenever we are together, Jack opens my car door (yes, at the young age of 10!). As we enter a store, he tells me, "Mom, don't touch that door." He accompanied me to the grocery store a couple of weeks ago. When we reached the car with our basket of groceries, he said, "Mom, you can go ahead and get in, I've got these."

When Jack does this I immediately say, "Jack, that's exactly how a man would act." We've got to put 'manhood' in a positive light. Too often, television/media put 'manhood' in a negative light. Have you heard the phrase, "That's just like a man!" We need to turn that around and show our sons that manhood is something to be proud of.

An unknown author said, "Every gentleman is a man, but not every man is a gentleman." How true. How true. Let's gently but firmly teach our boys to be proud of opening the door for us. Let's be the cheering section when they say, "Yes, ma'am." As courtesy and respect manifest themselves in areas of his life, we'll see them become lifelong habits and someday a young lady will greatly appreciate our investment.

For those of you who have daughters, I hope you are teaching them to only date men who first- love Jesus, and; secondly- have impeccable manners. You would never let your daughter go out with a boy who honks his car in front of your house beckoning her to come out! Never! Moms, our sons will be those boys someday unless we teach them better.

Boys need to not only be taught how to respect women but also how to love them. Talk to your son about what is important to women and what things cause them pain. Teach them to treasure women. Teach them that women are of great value and should be treated with gentleness and respect.

When it comes to the big R-E-S-P-E-C-T, my son knows just 'what it means to me'. He's learning how to 'sock it to me' with incredible manners and love. Let's rock it out together and raise a generation of men who master the lost art of dignity and respect!

Wake Up, Mom!

I'm going to be talking a lot on this blog about raising our sons to be godly men in a very ungodly world. Today I want to start with a wake up call. Mothers, it's time for us to wake up and realize the porn problem facing our boys. Boys at younger and younger ages are being exposed to pornography. We can no longer afford to stick our head in the sand and deny it could ever happen to our son.


Get This:
* In the course of a year, the average adolescent will see nearly 14,000 sexual images.
* Playboy magazine recently announced it will offer galleries of photographs that can be viewed on digital media players. It's to be called "Ibod".
* Porn is also on its way to cell phones. A Boston-based research firm said the mobile adult-services market would reach five billion dollars by 2010.
* 70% of teens get their information about sex from the media.
* When it comes to media access, teens log almost as many hours as the average adult in their full-time job.
* Teens spend over six hours a day engaged with some type of media and more than a quarter of that time they are using more than one media device, it's called "media multitasking".
* Kids' rooms have increasingly become multimedia centers, with 2/3 saying they have televisions in their rooms; half report having video game players; 54% have DVD players and 20% have a computer with internet access IN THEIR ROOMS!
* More than half the children said their families have no rules about watching TV.
* Another 46% say they have rules but 20% say the rules are only inforced "most" of the time.

I could share a lot more bad news but I'm afraid it would be too overwhelming. The truth is, unless we move to a commune in the middle of the wilderness, we cannot completely shield our sons from the world of porn/sexual imagery. I also hate to break it to those of you who homeschool or do Christian school, but your boys are not completely protected either.

What hope do we have? Plenty but we must remember we are still the parent! Here are some suggestions:
* Draw boundaries such as blocking access to MTV
* Do not allow your son to see a movie you have not prescreened. We check out movies on Screenit.com.
* Do not allow your son to watch shows that model worldly dating (even some of the Disney shows are starting to do this as their stars are growing up).
* Do explain to your son the "why" behind the rules.
* Do be purposeful in exposing the agenda of the media.
* Do point to the fallout and long-term consequences associated with it.
* DO NOT let your son get a hold of your Victoria's Secret catalogue or even buy him a Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders calendar. All of this is just soft porn and an introduction to harder things. Also, these things do not help your son to view women as people but rather as objects.
* DO NOT let your son have media in his room...EVER. Help your son by keeping the television and computer in an open and busy place in the house. Do not put the responsibility on him to choose what is right when he's not ready. Make sense?

These stats were taken from Vicki Courtney's book, "Your Boy". I recommend this book as well as Stephen Arterburn's book, "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle".

I know this blog today sounds preachy and very serious but there's no way around it. Too many parents are too lazy or too busy to properly protect their sons. It's having a powerful impact on our society. There is help and there is hope. God is on our side, moms! Let's do it!

Boundary Lines

My son, Jack, has become obsessed with football in the past year. He loves to go in the front yard with my husband, Chris, and play quarterback. There are two things Jack always asks when getting ready to play a game. 1. Where's the football? 2. Where are the boundary lines? It's important to know the boundaries of the playing field so you'll know when you're about to step out of bounds. It's also important so you'll know when you've scored a touchdown.

Our sons crave boundaries. It may seem like they don't, but they do. Have you ever noticed your son and his friends making up new games and they spend half the time deciding what the rules are going to be? Proverbs 29:17 says, "Correct your son, and he will give you rest. Yes, he will be a delight to your soul." Aaaaah, that sounds good, doesn't it? Here's the question of the day: Is your son a delight to your soul? If not, it could be because he's longing for boundaries that you have yet to set or enforce.

When teaching our sons to be accountable, we need to make our expectations clear then establish concrete consequences for not following those expectations. Without clear boundaries and the enforcement of them, our sons can become unaccountable in their adult lives and find themselves in great distress.

Boys need to know they are accountable to parents, teachers, coaches, other adults and to God. Left to their own devices, boys will make up their own set of rules and has anyone read the book, "Lord of the Flies"? Scary! Boys must learn from an early age that mom won't bail them out when they have broken the boundary lines. They must see there are positive and negative consequences for their actions.

An unknown author said, "A child that is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone." I think deep down we, as mothers, know this is true. Yet we can sometimes struggle with rule enforcement when our precious little boys look up at us with those sweet eyes. Stand strong for the sake of your son!

If you want a son who is truly at peace, then show him clearly where the boundary lines are and blow the whistle when he steps out of those bounds. Soon he'll learn how to play within them and he'll be running straight toward the goal line instead.

A Model of Womanhood

Do you have dreams for your son? As mothers, we all have dreams of what our little boys will become. We imagine what their lives will look like as adults, who they may marry, what kind of fathers they will be. I dream of my son marrying the perfect woman. She will hang on his every word, laugh at all of his jokes, listen carefully when he shares his heart, comfort him when he is down. More than anything else, she will love God with all that she is. She will seek to serve her family in honor to her Savior. Not bad, huh?

As I was enjoying this daydream one morning, God woke me up with this truth: I, as Jack's mother, am the model of womanhood to my son. "WHAT?!", I said to God, "I'm just his mother". I'm here to tell him what to look for in a woman. I'm here to prepare him to be a good and father. How scary to think that I am his introduction to what women are all about!

When Jack is grown and starts to ponder marriage, he'll make a mental inventory of what he's looking for in a wife. I am that first woman against which womanhood is measured. Will he remember a mother who was tender and loving? A mom who made home a happy and peaceful place to be? Or will he, heaven forbid, have memories of a harsh woman who was too busy with her own life to make time for him?

My goal is not to get my son to marry someone just like me. The goal is to leave him with a favorable impression of women. God makes amazing, loving, courageous women in all shapes and sizes. We just want to be sure we place women in a positive light for our sons. We need to show our sons that we enjoy being women.

Boys need to see their moms as women who honor their husbands; nurture their children; and are at peace with themselves and God. I love being a wife and mother. I've got my hard days, no question, but overall I am very grateful for the privilege of these two titles. I want my son to value a woman who also loves family and all the craziness that goes with that.

So dream on, moms. But as you dream, make sure you are living in the reality of the important role you play. "Her children arise and call her blessed..." Proverbs 31:28.

Where Do I Begin?

So we have a son. He's bright, energetic and full of potential. Now what? How do I take this boy with all of life ahead and help him, in the words of the Marines, 'be all that he can be'?

Here's my supply list:I've got a wonderful husband who is an exceptional father - a necessity and yet a bonus in this day and age. We've got a roof over our heads, food on the table, the right sports training, piano teacher, good school, church involvement. What am I missing?

To start growing a good boy into a godly man I believe the first step is to plant our knees firmly in the carpet and pray. Too often, prayer is our last resort. You've heard people say, "Well, I guess all we can do now is pray." Yikes! Prayer should be the first priority of every mother.

We, as moms, are quite amazing, if I do say so myself. However, even in all our greatness, we cannot do it alone. We need supernatural help. All too often we don't take prayer seriously. It's something we do at church, funerals, and hospitals. It's not something we often think of doing in any and all circumstances. Yet, it's the most effective and powerful thing we can do for our children. Do you agree?

Jesus says, "Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven" (Matt. 18:18). That means we have been given authority by God to affect change. Through God's power we can be vessels through which His power comes to bear on our children. Make sense?

We don't have to be pastors or perfect people to pray. We have authority as the parents of our children to call upon God on their behalf. As we draw closer to God we will draw God's presence closer to our children. "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16).

A tool that has helped me pray as a mom has been Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Parent. In this book, she has taken scripture and turned them into powerful prayers. Some of the topics she covers include: protection & healing, honoring parents & authority, feeling loved and accepted, loving God with all their heart, establishing healthy friendships, future spouse, purity & freedom from addictions, exercising humility. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I've had this book for six years. I write the date next to each prayer and I hope that when they're grown and I'm gone, my kids will find this book and see how earnestly I prayed for them. When they look back on their childhood they can say their parents provided food, clothing, a loving home and various educational/social opportunities.

More than any of these, I want it to be obvious by observing their lives that they had a mom who prayed. For our sons to become truly great men, we must bring them before the throne of God each and every day. We must entrust them to a loving Savior who can do "exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20). I am convinced that's the greatest thing a mother can do.

Do you believe in the power of prayer? Have you seen this in your own life? What has helped you in praying for your kids? Share with us!

Raising Good Boys into Godly Men

I have the extreme privelege of being mother to a son. My son amazes me. He makes me proud. He gives great hugs. He tells funny jokes. He also has the occassional ability of making me want to pull my hair out. Building a man out of a boy can be challenging (understatement!).

One of the topics you'll frequently see me writing about is raising boys. Our world is lacking strong male leadership...godly leadership. Culture has turned against strong men in the past few decades and I believe many of them struggle with their role in today's society. Between a lack of positive male role models and an over abundance of sexually charged messages, what chance do our boys have of knowing what true manhood looks like?

I believe God has placed a passion in my heart to help moms & dads pick up the reigns of parenthood with confidence. We can't leave it up to chance or television or our kid's friends to direct our boys. Studies show that parents are the most influential voice in the decisions of their children. It's our responsibility before God to invest in the next generation of men.

Will you join me???

Some of the topics I'll be sharing include:
* Good communication with your son
* Get over it and talk to him about sex
* Letting go
* Disciplining boys
* Modeling womanhood so he'll know what to look for/stay away from
* When dad's not available
* Virtues of a real man
* For heaven's sake keep the TV and internet OUT of his room!
* Praying for your boy

So stay tuned cause I've got my soap box and I'm not afraid to use it! :-)

Top Ten Tips for Busy Moms

Hey Moms! This is my top ten list. Let me know what your favorite tips are for staying sane during these busy child-rearing years!


10. Prioritize

· Make a list the night before of the top five things you want to accomplish tomorrow

· Set reasonable goals

· Live by priorities not pressure

· Learn to let things go


9. Get rid of “black holes” that steal your time

· Keep track for one week of things that steal your time… email, facebook, phone, searching for car keys, etc.

· Keep a notepad by your bed

· Let the machine get your calls


8. Designate Days

· Plan your meals two weeks or a month at a time (www.myrecipes.com)

· Set aside specific blocks of time for housework, paperwork, errands

· Use a timer for yourself to get certain chores done – quit when the timer goes off

· Make dinner in the morning to ease the ‘witching hour’


7. Finish a task

· Housework: start and finish one task (ex: cleaning just one bathroom) - www.flylady.com

· Completing a task with make you feel really good since a mother’s job is never done


6. Practice self-care

· Schedule time for yourself everyday even if it’s just 20 or 30 minutes – SIT DOWN

· Use the restroom when you need to!

· Communicate your feelings to your husband, girlfriends, journal – stay connected to your support group

· Stick to strict bedtimes

· Find a good babysitter and GO ON A DATE!


5. Just say ‘NO’

· Supermom is dead! Today’s society would have you doing too many things and for what?

· Decide what you are living for and don’t back down from it.


4. Teach your child

· Teach your child how to put their plate in the sink, dress themselves, throw their diaper/pull up in the trash

· This helps your child learn independence and gain a sense of self-confidence

· Our family is a team – it takes all of us working together


3. Schedule like the marines

· Kids love routine and it helps you feel a sense of accomplishment when you have a schedule

· Make an Excel spreadsheet of your days and post it on your fridge

· Be flexible as God may reorder your day


2. Discipline/Consistency

· Hold up the standard for behavior and expect the best from your children

· It’s unfair to your children to be inconsistent

· Discipline makes children feel loved

· Remember you are training their heart and not just outward behavior



1. Pray for your family

· Ask God for wisdom (James 1:5-6)

· Pray scripture over your children (Is. 55:11)

· Thank God for His provision and faithfulness (Is. 65:23)

· Rest in Him (Psalm 62:1-4)

Courage

One of my favorite movies as a kid was The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, with Don Knotts. It’s about an ordinary even goofy guy who becomes a hero. He plays a typesetter at the small town newspaper who is looking for his big break to becoming a reporter. He takes a dare to spend the night in a spooky abandoned house and writes a thrilling story the next day about it being haunted. The whole town comes alive and labels him a hero for facing such danger even though he is the town’s most high-strung, fearful citizen.

I can relate to Mr. Chicken. I want to be brave. I want to think I’ll do the right thing at the right time. When people look at my life, what do they see? Do they see tales of heroism? Do they see someone who is bold in the face of adversity and courage under fire?

What makes a hero? Pastor Andy Stanley defines it as ‘someone who has clarity and the irresistible urge to act.’ I like this definition. Clarity meaning they can walk into any given situation and see clearly what needs to be done. It doesn’t mean they aren’t afraid but they did the courageous thing. They had an irresistible urge to act on what they clearly knew was right.

We as parents need courage. We can find God’s views on courage in 1 Thessalonians 2:1-2: “For you yourselves know, brethren, that our coming to you was not in vain, [why not?], but after we had already suffered and been mistreated in Philippi, as you know, we had the boldness in our God to speak to you the gospel of God amid much opposition.” Paul’s life in Thessalonica had not been in vain because he’d had boldness in God and courage to share the gospel. Boldness to do the right thing at the right time makes our lives count. It keeps us from coming to the end and saying, “Nothing happened. There was no significance.”

Have you been to a funeral? At a funeral stories are shared of the person’s life. What stories do you want told about your life? “Well, things got tough at home between the husband and the kids and all the responsibilities so she left.” That’s a story. Or a story might be, “Things got tough at home and she stuck it out and made a difference in her marriage. She fought for her family and had an amazing impact on her kids.” That’s a story. Courage makes our lives effective and significant.

Paul says in Thessalonians we get our courage from God. He had suffered terribly in Philippi. He had been publicly dragged into the market of the city and charged with sedition because he cast a demon out of a girl. And then he spent the night in jail. Now in Thessalonica the mob was even more enraged and Paul barely escaped by night to Berea. That was the setting for his ministry. And in that setting he spoke the gospel courageously because he had boldness in his God.

His life was given up to God. His life was hidden in God (Col. 3:3). He trusted God (2 Cor. 1:9). He hoped in God (Rom. 15:13). The glory of God was more attractive to Paul than any earthly comfort: "I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us" (Rom. 8:18). Perhaps the greatest obstacles to courage are the love of human acceptance and praise (even that of your children), and the love of the comforts and securities that money can buy. What has to happen inside for these powers to be broken?

Paul had clearly been set free from these hindrances: 1 Thess. 2:4b: "we speak, not as pleasing men but God, who examines our hearts." Verse 6: "nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others." Verse 5 again: "We never came with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed-- God is witness."

The way to courage is to get your acceptance from God and find your satisfaction in Him. There’s somebody in your life that is hoping you’ll be a hero for them; that you’ll have the courage to stand up and do the right thing. You won’t think you’re heroic but in their eyes you’ll be that person. Every child wants their parent to be the hero in the moment when it’s time for someone to do the right thing, to pay the price, to make the sacrifice. We want our kids to stand when it’s time to stand, to say ‘no’ to those temptations that come. Let’s show them what courage looks like and what God looks like through us when we gain our courage from Him.

(Resources for this article were taken from messages by Andy Stanley and John Piper.)

Leaving a Legacy

Legacy: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past. Recently I celebrated the legacy of my grandmother’s life. She was born in 1908 and died at the very ripe age of 97 and one half years. We shared at the graveside various stories and memories of her life. She loved hymns, her family, cooking and playing the organ. She had a good sense of humor and a fear of storms. It was fun quoting “Nana-isms” as we called them.

As each person shared their piece of memory, her children and grandchildren smiled thinking of how her legacy was passed on to each of us in different ways. My mom learned how to make wonderful Thanksgiving dressing from her. My cousin learned the 23rd Psalm from her. I picked up a love of music from her and on it goes. The one thing we all learned from her was a love for family. Nana taught us through her words and actions that family always comes first and that love is unconditional.

It occurred to me that we all leave a legacy. I wondered what kind of legacy I would leave. How is a legacy made? It’s built moment by moment as we interact with the people placed in our lives. A legacy isn’t something we pass on at the last minute as though our dying words could be “Hmmm, I think I’ll leave a legacy of…” and pass on something we always meant be but never were.

It’s a daily, hourly, situation by situation process. We can leave all sorts of legacies. Some of us are building legacies of worry, doubt, or anger. Here’s the good news. Even if we’ve inherited unhealthy, life-draining habits we don’t have to pass those on. We can choose to pass on life generating habits by building a legacy of peace, faith, and forgiveness.

They say children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholics. They say children of smokers are more likely to smoke. But it works both ways. Children of Hope are more likely to be hopeful. Children of Love are more likely to be loving.

What are you building that will remain after you leave? What type of legacy are you constructing each day with your words and actions? What if each day we lived a life that was full of hope, love and joy? What if our words and actions were guided by grace? We have the power to leave a legacy that would surely be a blessing for years to come after we’ve gone.